Crimson and Clover
by Dr-Lemona
Summary: So they grew up a little, but are they really just wasting their time with one another? Post Carnival, Shizuru/Natsuki One-shot.


Good afternoon, Author here.

While not a huge fan of songfics (especially those that have more lyric than content), this idea wouldn't leave when I listened to this song. Then it demanded that I put it on paper, so I sat down and let my fingers roam the keyboard. The lyrics are strewn around and out of order to fit the passages. Here we go!

Lyrics: Jimmy Eat World - Praise Chorus

Mai-Hime belongs to Sunrise

* * *

**Crimson and Clover**

It took them a year to break apart what took several years to construct out of saved flowers and a fickle sense of mutual affection. There was an extenuating circumstance, a brief detour in the road they shared, but in the end that was just a distraction from the more pressing issue at hand.

The future was now a very real concept. There had been no thought to it, they would admit. After all, to die was to die, and the dead never thought about the future. They weren't sure just how long they were in that absolute silence. It could have been for an hour, maybe two. Maybe time had no bearing in that strange place. What mattered now was that they had returned, something that should not have happened had Fate had its way with them. There was something strangely fascinating about returning from the dead, like figuring out a secret and now being unable to divulge in it.

"_I am content."_

Funny, she never told her why.

When crimson and clover found no more excuses and finally met again, the spoken words and unspoken actions still managed to draw them apart. Still, they needed a place to stay, somewhere safe to survive in this unforgiving world. No one was going to back down and let them have their peace willingly. There was optimism in their words back then, and a firm belief that no matter what, they would stick together. Words were nice, but they couldn't grow grocery shopping, they couldn't go out to pay the irate landlord when rent was due, and they most certainly couldn't go about mending burning bridges. Words could, however, bring a sledgehammer into their already delicate situation, and it did. They took to their vices and went their separate ways in the horribly domestic life they shared together.

In the evenings one would lounge around the veranda of her apartment with a pack of cigarettes in hand, lighting one after another and letting the cooling menthol mix with the glowing orange flame at the end. After one was rubbed to a stub in a dirty, already filled ashtray, another was lit and coaxed by practiced fingers to accepting lips. Trails of cigarette smoke drew wistful lines out into the city-lit skies at night. Tired eyes followed these trails one by one until they could be followed no more.

How long had it been? A year? Two years? Seemed like it was forever. She was never good at numbers.

Natsuki decided she had smoked enough for the day. As she turned to reenter her apartment, she realized with a raised eyebrow that the packet in her hand still had a cigarette left over despite her buying the pack two days ago. Usually she would have crumpled the pack and reminded herself to stop by the convenience store the next morning to pick up two more. She shifted the pack and let the lone cigarette pop out to the palm of her hand, next to the silver lighter she was already carrying. She stared at the two objects before placing the two down on the table and flopping down on the couch. Strewn on the floor below her were motorcycle magazines with their glossy covers snatching bits of light and flashing them towards her eyes. The light was painful and made her squint until she finally shoved an arm up in front of her eyes to shield them.

The door opened and in walked the second half of their problem. She reeked of alcohol, of expensive liquor unblemished by mixes. She rarely drank the so-called girly drinks—a good cognac was more than enough to anchor her down to the bar. Stale cigarette smoke followed the strangely sweet smell but that did not belong to her. Despite the obvious scent of intoxication she managed to open the door and walk in relatively okay. After placing her keys onto the table by the door and dropping her purse, she knelt down to pull off her high heels and left them in a neat little pile next to a pair of worn sneakers. This young devil woman in business casual sauntered over with a bit of a sway that could have been exaggerated. She made her way towards the couch where Natsuki had tossed herself on top only five minutes beforehand. Nicotine and alcohol mixed in the immediate area that they shared for all of five seconds before the inebriated bemusement of the standing woman shifted in favor of something more honest. When Natsuki lifted her arm and opened her eye just a crack, she could still see the frown and dead look in those crimson eyes before Shizuru turned the corner and tumbled her way into their room—her room now—and out of Natsuki's sight. Natsuki let her arm fall back onto her eyes.

How long had it been?

One year, six months, fourteen days.

What a lie.

Of course she was good with numbers.

_You gotta start sometime._

* * *

They met at the school's roof during lunch time. Small lunch boxes were placed in a tidy little corner, their contents emptied fifteen minutes ago. Mai leaned against the railing with an empty juice box dangling from her lips by its straw. Beside her Natsuki leaned forward, resting her arms on the railing and staring down at the field below. Her lips twitched but she merely opened the can of coffee in her hands and took a sip, hoping that caffeine would make a good substitute for her favored vice. Mai looked over and paused.

"No smokes?" She leaned back and stared at the rooftop access door. "That's kinda rare."

Natsuki made a noncommittal grunt and took another sip of the cold liquid. Strangely enough the sugar and cream infested, crudely manufactured coffee wasn't half bad. She kept this in mind as she turned the can over in her hands.

"How's things?" Natsuki asked in her husky voice.

Mai smiled through the chewed straw.

"Good, good. You really should come out, you know. Get some fresh air with all of us, not just with your cigarettes. Everyone's been wondering about you and Kaichou-san. Well, most of us… Alright, Nao-chan, seems to think that the two of you are having 'marital issues,' or something."

Natsuki straightened and set the can on the railing before fiddling with the aluminum tab. Mai's slightly forced laugh fell into her ears, carrying a very nice tone that complimented the sweet juice box perched between pearly white teeth. Sweet and sugary with a hint of tart, that was how Mai was. Natsuki stared at the can and wondered if she should smack it off the railing with her hand.

Maybe if it hit someone she wouldn't feel as strange inside.

Maybe if she smacked Mai with it she could forget this entire fiasco and just bear with Mai's anger for a minute to distract herself.

Maybe.

"She's not 'Kaichou-san' anymore."

Mai raised an eyebrow at the blunt statement. She shrugged and poked at the juice box with a finger.

"Alright, so she isn't."

Natsuki shook her head and paused before rubbing her forehead.

"No, that's not what I mean."

Mai looked up once more, this time letting the box fall to her open hand. She pushed the cardboard in with her thumb as she watched Natsuki's pursed lips and aggravated brow struggle in her elaboration.

"It's a title. She isn't a title. She's a person, a human with the same feelings of inadequacy and guilt that we all have from time to time."

Mai blinked and sighed.

"I didn't mean anything like that when I called her Kaichou-san."

"I know."

"… Why're you telling me this, Natsuki?" Mai leaned her cheek against her hand. "Last I checked, the two of you were alright."

"Yeah…" Natsuki let out a short bark of a laugh. "Alright. That's the word."

"I mean, you sent a rejection letter to Takeda and made such a big deal over accepting 'someone else's feelings.' Don't tell me you're getting cold feet over it."

Mai stretched her arms above her head and finally pushed herself off of the railing. She faced the stone-faced beauty with the sun providing an excellent backdrop over her long hair. The frown on those lips was especially dark.

"Something weird came up, didn't it?"

"Well, a lot of weird things came up," Natsuki retorted, finishing her coffee. In one clean crunch the can was crushed in her hand. "Maybe… maybe we weren't ready to move in together and try this relationship thing as soon as we did."

"Have you told her this?" Mai asked.

Natsuki's shoulders hunched ever so slightly.

"I think we've told each other enough as it is," she replied quietly.

Mai cringed.

"Ah. You two fought, then?"

"I guess. I don't know. Not about that, anyway. Just little things. She goes to school, does her meetings with the people high up, and comes home smelling like a bar landed on top of her." Natsuki smiled, then, and Mai looked on with a soft frown. "I guess I'm not much better. I go to school, piss off the people high up, and come home smelling like I run a tobacco factory."

"Doesn't sound too attractive, I must admit," Mai replied with a soft snort.

"Nah, I guess it isn't. We're both to blame, really."

"I guess I understand where you're coming from, but what's your side of the blame?"

Natsuki found a trash bin that had been left outside. Without too much analyzing she tossed the can towards the receptacle. The two watched as the can sailed through the air and bounced off the rim of the bin. For a second it looked as if the can was going to veer wildly into some unknown direction, but the can then bounced off the other side of the rim and finally tumbled in with a huge clatter of noise. Natsuki clapped her hands together and wiped her palms against her skirt just as the warning bell went off.

"That was an alright coffee," she commented as they gathered the lunch boxes and made their way down. "I should get some more next time."

"You're avoiding my question," Mai pointed out with an annoyed sigh.

"Hm… I guess I just tend to drag my feet a little is all," Natsuki replied in a strangely detached tone.

Mai shook her head but went to her classroom. Relationship problems would have to wait. She couldn't afford to be late for class, after all.

_Are you gonna live your life, standin' in the back, lookin' around?_

* * *

She had forgotten to buy cigarettes.

It was a silly thing to forget, really. Already her hands were shaking and she glared at them.

The trip to the convenience store would have taken ten minutes at the most, but she sat there on the couch with those shaky hands and took a few moments to hem and haw her way through this craving. An idea popped to her head and she left the apartment in a great hurry, throwing on her leather jacket and slamming the door shut behind her. Several minutes later she returned with a convenience store bag in her hand. The bag made a huge metallic clatter of noise when she set it down on the counter next to the kitchen sink while she opened the refrigerator. After shoving a few bottles to the side she emptied her goods into the shelves before digging one out of the neat stack—a can of Georgia coffee. She sat back down on the couch, turned on the television, and let the incessant laughs of the variety show wash over her as she opened the small can and took a sip.

It might have been an hour, maybe two. She knew that about an hour and forty-five minutes passed before the coffee can was tossed to the recycling bag and she flopped down on the couch once more and absently rubbed her stomach with one hand while tucking the other behind her head. She could have counted in her head, one to twenty, and the door would open once more. To her surprise it took until thirty when she heard the lock click. The door opened again, bringing with it the familiar smell of expensive cognac and stale cigarette smoke. This time it had been accompanied by a strange scent, something with sandalwood and musk that mixed in with the two smells and sent up red alarms in her head. This wasn't right. She shot up from the couch and made her way over to the doorway.

"Ah. Good evening, Kuga-san."

She frowned.

"Kanzaki."

He offered a small smile that wasn't returned. It was then that he realized the cause for this stony expression and he quickly let go of Shizuru's uncaring form. She gave him an awkward nod and bent down to undo her high heels to set them down in a neat little pile beside worn sneakers. She set her bag down and walked past Natsuki, but her pace slowed just a fraction when coffee and cognac mixed in the air, not tobacco and cognac like she was used to. Natsuki gave her a look but said nothing. The strange spell was broken when Shizuru slowly and wordlessly made her way into her room. The door closed with a click and Natsuki turned her gaze back towards the man still standing at their doorway.

"… Can I come in?" he asked in his congenial voice.

Natsuki narrowed her eyes.

"It's a bit late and I have class in the morning. I'd rather you not."

"Right. I know you'd rather I go home and forget this happened. Please, it will only take a moment."

Despite her initial dislike of the proposition, she finally nodded and stepped aside to allow Reito in. He undid his shoes and set them beside the neat pile of high heels. For a moment he considered straightening them but Natsuki threw him such a cold look that he stopped and straightened. When he walked towards the kitchen, he paused and looked over his shoulder to see Natsuki kneeling down in front of the shoes, but he thought little of it. Natsuki stiffly marched over to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, grabbing a can coffee and tossing it towards him. He caught it with one hand and nodded his thanks as they sat in the small couch with the middle seat acting as a barrier between the two.

"… How long has this been happening?" he asked.

She gave a brief shrug.

"I haven't kept track."

_One year, six months, sixteen days…_

"I think it would have been around a year and a half," Reito replied with a small hum at the end.

She gave him another glare for his efforts and settled for crossing her arms and leaning back against the couch. He drank his coffee in relative silence before he settled the can in his hands.

"I don't know what happened, then, and I doubt you would be willing to tell me tonight." He set the can down and rubbed his hands together before grabbing the can once more. "I just wanted to ask you something, and to let you know something."

"What is it?"

He looked at her, then, and she saw the world reflected in his golden eyes. They weren't the only ones suffering. She liked to remind herself of that fact, but after having been given a free pass at life once more she wondered just how many of them were really hurting after the Carnival. Mai definitely wasn't, that was for sure. Her brother was getting a new heart, and she had two eligible bachelors and a cat girl running after her. Life was back to general comedic mayhem without the added effect of beating the monster of the week to the ground. Could the same be said for the rest? Maybe, maybe not. Natsuki wondered when she grew so negative, and reminded herself that this was the Natsuki her preteen self would have recognized, but so far from the teenager she was when she had died and came back to life. This was just one step forward and a giant leap back. With a bemused sigh she wondered how the rest of them managed.

"I'm not sure how Shizuru-san manages to get alcohol in her young age," Reito pondered out loud.

"Is that what you're trying to ask me?" Natsuki asked with a brief snort. "What a strange question, but I don't really know. Probably has something to do with her family's connections, I doubt anyone would go around busting a Fujino, of all people. Rich people always get to party young. And it's not like she doesn't know how to handle herself. She's never gone and done something stupid because of drinking."

"That brings me to my next point."

This caused Natsuki's sarcastic act to end and she looked at him with another hard look.

"Explain yourself."

"I am just concerned." He decided to dive into the meat of the problem. "Have the two of you been talking?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked.

He frowned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. The coffee can dangled from his fingers as he clutched at the top of the can. When he spoke, his voice was low and the words nearly lost in the strange silence that accompanied him.

"She sits in the corner of the bar with her superiors and she drinks her cognac with a dignity of someone ten years older. They pour and pour and she drinks and drinks. There's never any talk of personal matters, just business propositions for her family's company sealed with toasts and more drinks. Drinking is probably part of the job, I don't really know. It just seems like a terrible bore to me, and she manages it well. But she never smiles. Not once."

To her credit Natsuki remained relatively quiet during this exposition.

"The first time I've seen her smile in a long time was when I offered to take her home tonight. When we neared the apartment, she turned to me and told me 'I'm home.'" Reito rested his chin on his hand. "She smiled, when she said that. I imagine she smiles when she walks in night after night."

Natsuki stood, then, and Reito stood with her. He knew his time was up when Natsuki walked over towards the doorway to see him out. When he bent over to straighten his shoes, he noticed that the heels were now upright and tucked in with the worn sneakers. He looked up but found that Natsuki was impassively staring at the door with her hands tucked in the back pockets of her jeans. Reito straightened and schooled his face before he turned and acknowledged the girl.

"Have a good night, Kuga-san."

Natsuki nodded but said nothing. He turned and opened the door, closing it gently on the way out.

_Are you gonna waste your time?_

_Gotta make a move, or you'll miss out._

* * *

Shizuru awoke and blindly swiped a hand out for the ready bottle of painkillers. She dumped two pills out after popping the flimsy cap off with her teeth. To hell with manners, her head was killing her. All that talk about a business merger had faded more with each glass of cognac. She couldn't even remember what on earth happened in between the beginning of the merger and the inevitable conclusion where the merger was settled and she was sent on her merry little way with the added bonus of being tanked up on free liquor. There was a change in this pattern with the arrival of her former colleague. She didn't remember asking him just why he was in the bar of all places when he was supposed to be babysitting his younger sister, but he had taken her home and she remembered how to feel grateful.

A glass of water sat next to where the pills once were and she stared at it quietly before she heard the door to her room open. In walked the girl of her dreams—at least, she liked to tell herself that. Look but don't touch, that was how Natsuki was with everyone now. Except this time Natsuki had crossed over the threshold and was making her way to her with a strange expression on her face. And by strange Shizuru figured she meant the calmness that was projected through previously emotionless eyes. Briefly she wondered just what she had done to deserve such a nice image so early in the morning, only to return her gaze to the glass of water with a flustered huff. This was breaking their routine, and for the first time Shizuru forgot how to accommodate for such a change. She was tired of fixing herself over and over again, and this time decided to stay put and see where that would take her.

Natsuki fiddled with her hands briefly before settling on stuffing them in the pockets of her hoodie. That slouch and the contemplative expression on her face caused Shizuru to look at her expectantly. That expectant look caused Natsuki to continue on with that contemplative expression born from slight embarrassment and a little bit of desperation, further prompting the expectant expression that she both craved and hated. This vicious cycle of rinse and repeat was further accentuated by the rumbling of the washing machine near the veranda. Natsuki had a sort of frosty quality about herself, something someone could obtain by standing outside in the strange stillness during the early morning hours. This time this frosty feeling was not accompanied by the tobacco that Shizuru learned to both love and hate at the same time. Loved because it accompanied the girl she loved, and hated because the cigarettes started up when they broke apart. Instead what accompanied Natsuki was the scent of freshly ground coffee beans. This was new but not rejected by Shizuru. Tea was better than coffee, of course, but coffee was amazing compared to tobacco.

"Morning," Natsuki said softly.

It was never good. Shizuru seemed to nod to herself at that affirmation and cleared her throat before she paused.

It was okay to talk, right? They wouldn't go off on each other this early in the morning. She hoped not; she wasn't ready for an all out verbal brawl. It was bad enough trying to get through the first month without wanting to tear each other's heads off over the most trivial of things. Tobacco and alcohol were taboo topics to begin with but when something else was brought up, however trivial it may have been, the two subjects would eventually find their way in and the two would be reduced to a shouting match over which vice was the worst. This eventually led to a sort of impasse between the two, a don't ask, don't tell policy initiated in their apartment.

And this was supposed to be a loving home, free of secrets. The latter part would always be under scrutiny but the former was the one that counted.

At least, that was what Shizuru wanted it to be a loving home. They paid their dues, saved the world for future generations, and she did happen to kill a lot of people for Natsuki. All in all, good stuff. She definitely knew in hindsight that this was not exactly the way to go in terms of winning her heart, but everyone had been afflicted by these carnal desires of their hearts and the Kaichou was not an exception in the least. That's right, she wasn't going to settle for a guilt trip in that regard. Whatever happened, happened. Natsuki liked to say that to the point where Shizuru once wondered if there was a secret on/off switch that regulated that response. It turned into a rather naughty fantasy involving an examination and all sorts of fabulous after school activities to follow this, but these and other naughty thoughts were pushed off when the first round of arguments ensued. They never really were intimate with one another since the time at church, not counting the one time Shizuru failed to control herself. Shizuru nearly felt her lips curl at that thought. She wondered darkly if she really should have gone all the way. And really, of all places, a church?

How ironic, and she wasn't even sure why.

Then she realized that Natsuki was waiting for her to respond so they could continue on in this mockery of a conversation and she decided that the headache wasn't big enough to not reply. It would be impolite to leave her hanging, she supposed. That said, Shizuru took the glass of water and fiddled with it for a moment before attempting to smile.

"Morning."

Natsuki rocked back and forth on her heels, looking for all intents and purposes to be a young child trying to get her way out of something. Shizuru watched this regression with a quaint fascination that would have caught Natsuki's eye if this was a year, six months, and seventeen days ago. But it was not, and Natsuki remained oblivious to it as she tried to go over the muddled parts of her intended conversation.

"Hangover?" she asked lamely.

"It should go away soon." Then Shizuru remembered the cup in her hands. "Thank you for the water."

Natsuki offered a slight shrug in acknowledgement. Well, that was nice. Shizuru took a sip of water and felt herself grow a little stronger. She set the cup down and fiddled with the bed sheet once more before looking back up at Natsuki.

"Listen," Natsuki said finally. "Kanzaki dropped you off last night. I know you know that much, but he spoke with me and told me some… things."

"Oh? And what did Reito-han tell you… that you don't already know, that is?" Shizuru asked shrewdly.

They both fought the urge to smile at one another. They really did know each other too well. There would be no one else for them. This was both relieving and incredibly frustrating.

"You don't smile anymore," Natsuki replied after a moment.

"… How quaint," Shizuru commented. "And a lie. I smiled when I greeted you earlier."

Natsuki turned, then, and she began to study the small pile of clothes next to the foot of the bed. With a scrunch of her nose she walked over and began to smooth out the wrinkles in the business attire that still carried the smell of stale smoke. It wasn't that she had turned into a neat freak—the living room was especially atrocious over the weekends—but this provided an ample opportunity to sort her thoughts out as she smoothed and folded. She gave another look towards the clothes and frowned. They'd have to wait until tomorrow to get washed.

"I thought… that we agreed to one thing. Whatever we did, we would enjoy it and have no regrets over it. And we would never question the other's choice." Natsuki straightened and popped her back as she leaned back for a second. "Are you not enjoying yourself?"

This was a loaded question. Say anything strange and it would wreck even this pitiful balance. Shizuru thought about it for a moment like one would study an especially challenging question in logic. Was there a rule of engagement in this? If one argument worked, by rule would a different argument work using the same formula? This was a somewhat paradoxical statement—do you enjoy yourself? Liquor was nice, nicer when it was free, and she felt very nice after a few in her system. She supposed that nicotine also felt nice but she couldn't say for certain. The only experience with tobacco was with her father's prized Cuban cigars. She was seven and she could still remember the especially rank smell and her rather violent coughs after taking a small puff. But… do you enjoy yourself? She wasn't sure about the last time she did enjoy herself. When was that? Right now she knew she wasn't enjoying anything.

"Am I not enjoying myself?" she asked aloud. She decided to play it safe. "Last night was sort of a bore. I suppose that I did enjoy myself after a few drinks. Reito-han and I probably had a rousing conversation or something, but you would have to ask him. I'm afraid I can't remember much of anything."

"_She never smiles. Not once."_

Natsuki looked down at this royal mess. Despite the hangover and smell of alcohol from the night before, something caused her breath to hitch as she stared at the messy hair of the girl in front of her. Her fingers twitched. She wanted to rake her fingers through that tawny hair, to feel the heat beneath her fingertips. She wanted to shove the girl back onto the bed, hold her wrists above her head, and do _very naughty things_. Thankfully the room was still a little dark, so the rush of blood to her head was unnoticed. She closed her eyes. Why was she thinking about this now? She had something very important to tell her, and now she was breaking it down in favor of wanting to fuck her brains out. All day. Some sex never harmed anyone, right? Natsuki inwardly groaned. Just what the hell was the matter with her? This had never happened before. But here she was, with twitchy fingers and a fine bead of sweat on her forehead despite the chill.

"Well… That's nice," she said in a tone that implied she probably didn't even listen.

There was no real anger beneath those words, so Shizuru heaved out an inward sigh and knew she was out of the chopping block. It was a good save, too. If they had started an argument now she wasn't quite sure she would hold herself back from going all out. She saw something flicker in Natsuki's eyes and she stopped herself short. Was that desire? No way. It couldn't be. Ice queen Kuga's dazzling emerald eyes did not show anything apart from mild contempt. Desire was such a foreign emotion to this adorable loner and Shizuru would put money down on the bet that _she_ could not be the cause of this foreign emotion. Natsuki had freaked out so badly the last time they ran into this sticky situation that Shizuru was certain if something above PG-13 rated was mentioned within a two meter radius the former would pack her bags and get the hell out. So this expression on Natsuki's face, the slightly lidded eyes and the parted lips to reveal a flash of white teeth, was too much. It was too cruel and Shizuru turned her gaze down to avoid bursting into inexplicable tears.

So cruel. Natsuki felt her heart drop when Shizuru snapped her gaze away. She rubbed the back of her neck to avoid trying to explain just what the hell that brief lapse was, but she didn't need to. It seemed that Shizuru had recovered from that strange dip when she resurfaced with watchful eyes.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" she asked.

Natsuki shook her head.

"It's alright. I forgot."

She mumbled something else about breakfast being on the table and turned around. Her skirt twirled just so and Shizuru almost saw a flash of skin a little higher than she expected. She raised her eyebrow at that but failed to comment as Natsuki opened the door and showed herself out. Shizuru stared at the door for a very long time with her mind curiously blank.

Natsuki shrugged on her school jacket and picked up her bag, but before she stuffed on her sneakers she turned and looked at the couch. A set of bags sat there, a suitcase and two gym bags. She stared at them for a long moment before she grabbed the bags and tossed them into the guest room where an empty wardrobe greeted them. She closed the door and sighed a wistful little sigh before putting on her shoes and walking out the door.

_Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about._

_Whatcha gonna have to say, for yourself?_

* * *

One year, six months, twenty days after it began, Shizuru found a love note that had been tossed into her bag when she wasn't looking. She picked it up and turned it around on its edges with silent curiosity. She thought that love notes stopped in college along with all those other silly little things she had been deluged with in high school. The fan club was an exception, though. Fuuka University was awfully close to the Academy, so there was no way she could have outrun that mob.

Still, this was a note. And notes were meant to be read. She fiddled with the envelope and was pleasantly surprised to see that it came undone with such a simple flick of the fingers. The note had been handwritten in neat pen on matte paper. This already ruled out Natsuki, whose handwriting was cramped and spindly. Matte paper was too expensive to do anything but write something frivolous on it, and Natsuki was not a sentimental type. Shizuru barely contained a disappointed sigh but decided that since the letter came this far—most letters ended up in the trash anyway—it was fine to just read it. So she did. It was a rather long note, one filled with eloquent language that would have made a lesser woman very enticed. She counted at least twenty gushy statements about love and fate before she decided not to doodle over the paper with her tally marks. Shizuru read through the rest of the note with a hum of amusement and finally tucked the letter into her coat pocket. It made for some interesting reading, to say the least.

She could call herself cruel just for the sake of turning the tables on herself. It was incredibly easy, after all—she was very aware that the attention she received might have come from individuals who actually thought they _loved_ her. She wasn't too sure if they loved Shizuru of if they loved Kaichou, but the two roles were pretty similar to a fault. The mail she used to read before she wised up to this fact that those letters containing mostly lofty declarations of intense attraction would fizzle out within a month or so when the potential boyfriend came marching along on his white steed. She still managed to get a truckload of chocolate for her troubles so she read through the notes and replied to several relatively good ones. This led to even more notes and some rather fancy presents that graduated from the chocolate standard, but this was okay too. Gifts were gifts after all.

Then Natsuki came along and stomped all over this expected game of chase with her strange combination of forcefulness and embarrassment. Poor girl had no idea how to deal in social situations and Shizuru had often been torn between laughing and wanting to shake the silly girl until she got the lessons through her head. Growing up in high society seemed to create some expectation that everyone had decent enough manners that, if they weren't already there, they were drilled in through etiquette school and nobody wanted to repeat that. Suzushiro Haruka actually repeated three times under the strict unholy terror known simply as Miss Maria, and Shizuru didn't even want to know how she managed to rope herself into the same boot camp _three_ times. Once was enough to scare the crap out of her and the manners into her. But the point here was, manners were expected and Natsuki could've cared less, and maybe that was what began Shizuru's fondness over her.

Well, there were other things too. The girl had a bottom you would want to bite into and never let go. It must have come from all those hours on that motorcycle. The lingerie collection was another nice point. Shizuru almost died and went to heaven when she learned that Natsuki frequented the shop she worked part-time in. But that was then. Now they danced around each other to the point where Shizuru knew the steps by heart. Natsuki still stumbled here and there like she did several mornings ago, but she was getting there. Soon they'd be able to smile at each other again, however fake that may be.

Oh, the letter. She patted the papers in her pocket and picked up her bag to begin the commute home when she bumped into someone. Now, she was sure that person wasn't there three seconds ago. She looked down in mild interest and found a crazy head of green hair to greet her. Now what was with children these days, she wondered. But this girl neatly picked herself up and greeted her with such an awed expression that Shizuru couldn't help but pause.

"Fu-Fujino-sama!" the girl squeaked in something Shizuru liked to call rampant adoration.

"Ara, good afternoon…" She ran the names in her head and decided that this one would be 90 on the mark. "… Tomoe-han."

Tomoe gave an eager nod in response and Shizuru sighed in relief. She realized with a frown that she had not read the name that was attached to the note but she knew that it would be in bad taste to whip the letter out now to confirm her nagging suspicions. Instead she decided to hang around and get this Tomoe to stop gaping at her long enough for her to initiate a proper goodbye and just get out.

"I was wondering… if… if you were free tomorrow night?" Tomoe asked, nearly tripping over herself in her stammering.

Shizuru thought about it for all of two seconds.

"I'm sorry but I'm afraid I have a company meeting then."

And by then she also meant on subsequent nights. Tomoe seemed to deflate on sight but this one would not take a hint so easily, Shizuru found.

"I-If you are free, then I hope you come by the coffee shop at 9 tonight! The cakes there are very good."

Coffee. Natsuki smelled like coffee. Shizuru closed her eyes to banish the thought for a moment. She needed to pay attention or she was going to make a fool of herself.

"I will be there if I have time," Shizuru said in such a benevolent tone that she surprised herself.

Tomoe of course saw nothing of this faint surprise and skipped off in glee, but not before bowing low and telling her to have a good day. Well, she had to admit that this girl had exceptional manners. Shizuru watched her go with an unreadable expression on her face before she shrugged and turned around to walk towards the bus stop.

It wouldn't hurt, she reasoned with herself. Just go and see if there's something else beyond Natsuki.

No, that's just silly. There is no one else. There will never be anyone else.

"_Are you not enjoying yourself?"_

Shizuru hopped on the bus headed towards home and she sighed as she hooked her fingers around the rail and held on as the bus shuddered back to life. She leaned her forehead against the cold metal and stared out the frosted windows.

_Things are never gonna be the way you want,_

_Where's it gonna get you acting serious?_

* * *

Natsuki felt her coin purse grow a bit fat over the days. She then realized that Georgia can coffee was a good deal cheaper than packs of Mild Sevens, and she hadn't bought one of those in what looked to be a week. Oh, it was terrible. She shook and got irritable over the silliest things. But Mild Sevens were replaced with coffee and gum, Georgia black coffee and nicotine gum she picked up at the pharmacy. It was awful but she was determined now, and the extra pocket change was an excellent bonus for her efforts.

She walked in with a whistle that stopped when she saw Shizuru sitting on the couch with a cup of tea in her hands. How rare. The girl worked herself to death at University only to rise up and grab drinks at the bar with business associates and talk about something or another pertaining to things Natsuki didn't like to follow even thought she could. But what had Natsuki stop cold was not the sight of the girl with a non-alcoholic drink. It was the small assortment of bags at her feet. She recognized them immediately as the bags she had packed nearly a week ago. Shizuru looked up from her cup and met Natsuki's uncertain gaze with an unreadable one.

"Was this what you wanted to talk to me about that morning?" she asked quietly.

Natsuki set her school bag down and kicked off her sneakers. She walked over to the living room and paused before deciding she would stand.

"It was. But we don't have to talk about it anymore."

"I see." Shizuru gestured towards the bags. "Where would you have stayed? And how long?"

"Probably at Mai's. She has an empty room because of Mikoto living with Kanzaki now. I'm not sure how long. I don't know if you can put a time limit on that."

Shizuru took that answer with a nod and resumed sipping on her tea. Natsuki had only seen this expression from her once before and it was when she crashed her Ducati into the student council building and tried to shoot her down. That wasn't a very pleasant memory to recall and Natsuki frowned.

"… How long have you been thinking about it?" Shizuru asked.

"Not too long. I figured that maybe we needed time away from one another, to figure out just what is wrong with us." Natsuki rubbed her wrist absently. "I should have talked to you about it."

"No, it's alright. We would have fought about it anyway."

Shizuru leaned back so her head rested against the couch. Natsuki watched her exposed neck before shaking herself out of that daze and focusing on the woman's words, not her body. Not right now. Something important could be going on.

"I lied."

Natsuki blinked at the abrupt admission.

"… I'm sorry?"

Shizuru looked at her without moving her head. When those crimson eyes poked through under the neat flaxen fringe, Natsuki felt herself being rooted on the spot.

"I lied. I'm not enjoying myself. I drink myself to passing out nearly every night and I can't even remember what on earth I've done that entire evening. I'm not sure anyone would enjoy themselves when they did that more than four times a week."

"… Oh."

Oh? Natsuki nearly smacked her head against the wall. That was it? Just that? Shizuru seemed to think the same thing, but she was better at hiding her distress over that incredibly lame response. Natsuki shook her head.

"That's… No, that's not what I…"

Shizuru shook her head.

"That's fine. You seem to be doing well for yourself right now. After all, I haven't smelled tobacco here in a while. Soon, you'll be free from it."

_Soon, you'll be free from me._

Natsuki could read that statement. She could see it even when Shizuru's lips stopped moving and words were not ones that could be read. Shizuru was slipping from her fingers, like sand that would forever be lost. There were more grains of sand on this earth than there were stars in the sky and if she lost her she would die before she could find her again. Natsuki blinked back the tears that threatened to burn and she suddenly stomped her foot as a wild noise tore from her throat.

"Why can't you be happy?" she asked. "Why can't _we_ be happy?! It's all over, we've won and we're alive! I don't care if you killed hundreds or thousands of people, you're alive and that's all I ever wanted!"

Shizuru watched this fascinating switch of emotions before her head rolled down so that she was staring at her straight again.

"Natsuki, I can't turn off how I feel. I've tried, but I don't think I have a switch that does that effectively enough."

Natsuki looked up from her mild tantrum.

"I love you, Natsuki. I always have and I always will. That doesn't stop me from thinking I potentially raped you. That doesn't stop me from knowing that I killed all those people. And it certainly doesn't stop us from fighting and dancing this stupid dance around each other because of those prior things. I love you. But we're only building each other up to knock each other down."

"I love you." Natsuki did not stop her tears. She sank to her knees. "I should have said it earlier, and it hurts so much. I don't care. I love you, I love you."

Shizuru sighed and stared at the ceiling.

"Go to Mai-han, Natsuki."

"No." Now Natsuki sounded like a stubborn child. "No."

"Then I will go."

Natsuki looked up with bleary eyes. She knew what that would mean. Shizuru had no place to stay here in Fuuka for this cool down period. If Shizuru left, there would be no secure return. Natsuki's breath hitched as she struggled to wipe the tears from her eyes with the palms of her hands, finally settling down enough to get back up. Shizuru's heart broke but Natsuki's shattered when she saw the hurt in Shizuru's eyes. Without a word Natsuki picked up a bag and slung it over her shoulder.

"You'll be here when I get back?" she asked in a wavering voice.

"I will," Shizuru replied hoarsely.

Natsuki didn't trust herself to do anything other than nod. Shizuru waited until the door shut before she flipped over the coffee table. The tea cup shattered when it hit the floor and she fell to her knees as her shoulders heaved. After this initial adrenaline rush she buried her face in her hands. For a second she wanted to race out there, to grab Natsuki and pull her back into this miserable mire. She stopped herself and merely rocked in place as tears leaked from between her fingers.

_Crimson, and Clover… Over… and Over…_

_Our house in the middle of the street, why did we ever meet?_

* * *

Natsuki cried at first because she wasn't sure what was going on. Then she cried because she couldn't believe her rank stupidity. Shizuru was going to leave for sure, there was no doubt about it. It was when Mai finally reached the end of her patience and demanded that she stop using up all the tissues that Natsuki finally dragged herself out of the spare room and saw something other than the strange blue print of the tissue box. She took a bath, ate some ramen, and sat there staring at the television with a vegetative look on her face.

What was going to happen now?

Natsuki had read about this before in a magazine. It was something like "let's take some time off," which usually equated to a split anyway so that moniker was dishonest and unnecessary. She didn't want that at all, but this was a laughable thought considering she realized that they really didn't have anything together at all. They lived in an apartment that was paid for together, and they rarely even saw each other in the first place. What on earth did they share? The bathroom, of course, and probably the kitchen. Come to think of it, Natsuki wasn't even sure if Shizuru actually ate at home except for the passable cooking attempts that Natsuki would leave at the counter for breakfast. When she came home the plates were empty and a paranoid glance at the trash revealed no food, so she assumed Shizuru ate it. It wasn't like they owned a dog or anything. That seemed like a good couple thing to do, own a dog. Maybe they should have bought a dog, a huge affectionate creature that would have tied them together along with some wacky events. It sounded very nice but Natsuki knew it was childish to pin their troubles on a dog. She might as well project her confusions to a rock on the road and call it a day.

She expressed her frustrations with a sudden kick to the floor, which brought her attention to the little tantrum she had thrown earlier. Immediately her face colored up in rampant embarrassment. Did she really do that, stomp her foot like a two year old and demand that Shizuru just nod and follow along with her demands? Just what possessed her to act like that, anyway? She thought about it and concluded that logically it was just frustration, but that couldn't have been the complete answer. She wasn't Haruka and Shizuru was certainly not like Yukino, so stomping her foot and throwing a massive tantrum over this was not acceptable no matter just how frustrating it was. Wait, maybe Haruka was onto something here. Natsuki ripped her eyes away from the boring program and paused, tapping her knuckles against her chin. Just what had caused them to fight in the first place?

That was a simple question with at least twenty different answers. After playing some roulette she settled on what she deemed was the most important one. The impasse. Wait. That should be capitalized. The Impasse. Living with someone like Shizuru was not the problem in Natsuki's opinion. It was just the fact that it was _Shizuru_, as in _Kaichou_, as in the belated name attached to the girl of her dreams. She landed her jackpot, her dream prize. And she had landed it several years to a lifetime earlier than most people she knew. Mai, the most successful Hime out of them all, was still being chased around as far as she knew. And here she was, with Shizuru and she had just _run away_ from it. It started the smoking and the drinking and all sorts of fun in the form of spectacular verbal fights that ranged from who had to take out the trash to Shizuru threatening to toss the ashtray over her head if it wasn't in the veranda where it belonged. After a while those thrilling fights died in favor of that silence.

How long had it been now?

One year, six months, thirty days.

Thirty days?

Let's make that one year and seven months.

Natsuki groaned and rubbed her knuckles against her scalp. Stupid, stupid. She had wasted _so much time_.

Without a word she drew herself up to her feet and ran into the spare room. After tossing some clothes around she settled for a pair of bootcut jeans and a white t-shirt. She threw on a white hoodie as well and her motorcycle jacket. Hopefully the leather would shield her from the wind but she wouldn't complain if it didn't. She didn't care about that right now. She had all that time to whine over incessant details and attempt to dig herself into an early grave. Now, she only had time to do one thing and one thing only, before she could never get the chance again.

Mai stared as Natsuki ran out of the room. She slammed one of her sneakers on and hopped in place as she attempted to tie on her other shoe.

"I'll pick up my bag tomorrow!" she hollered.

"W-Wait! Where do you think you're going?" Mai yelled back.

Natsuki jogged in place as she thought about that. Where was she going?

"I don't know, but I'll pick up my bag tomorrow," she repeated, and the door slammed shut in Mai's face when Natsuki raced out.

Mai watched her leave with a bemused expression before she poked into the spare room. The bag seemed to have exploded with the way clothes were hanging around everywhere. She frowned and sighed.

"Silly girl."

_I'm on my feet I'm on the floor I'm good to go._

_All I need is just to hear a song I know._

* * *

Natsuki kicked the door to her apartment open. She always wanted to do that to be honest. The desire had manifested itself into her brain when she was a child watching an episode of a police show where the SWAT team totally laid waste to a door with a kick. Her foot throbbed—she didn't expect it to hurt so much. Still, she shook it off as she walked into the apartment.

"Shizuru!"

The apartment was dark; no one was home. She kicked off her shoes and walked around to make sure but came up empty just to same. She nearly sagged onto the couch before she paused and spotted her bike helmet in her—their—room. Without another thought she grabbed it and her keys. The Ducati was still parked in the underground garage and it roared to life as she turned the keys into the ignition. With a grin she slammed the helmet on and revved the engine as loudly as she could before she took off, tires screaming. She wasn't sure where to look at first, but the choice became obvious as she narrowed down the list of bars that would sell the cognac she drank. There were only two that she knew of, so that helped her immensely. If that didn't work, then she would just have to call up Midori. Despite being seen with beer in her hands and not a glass, the teacher was bound to know where the rich hotspots were since she tended to avoid them like the plague. Natsuki nodded to herself over her game plan and set off. The first bar was not it and she nearly got kicked for her troubles. She made a rude gesture towards the scowling bouncer and kicked off the kickstand of her bike to go to the second bar. When she neared it she nearly slammed a hand onto her face—or helmet, in this case—when she read the name of the bar. Of course, how ironic.

She parked her bike next to the Rorschach bar and made herself right at home when she strolled in. The place was in full swing when she stepped in and she nodded towards the bartender who recognized her. Recognizing did not mean drinking, however, and she accepted the glass of water he handed her without a complaint. He watched her down the glass and he paused in his cleaning to fully address her.

"Fancy seeing you here. Looking for Yamada?"

"No," she grunted as she set the glass down. "Someone else."

"I see. Well, there are a lot of someone elses around here. Are you sure you'll find who you're looking for?"

"She's probably having a glass of Hennessey Paradis on the rocks. I'll find her just fine."

He returned to the bar and for a moment Natsuki's heart began to plummet at the apparent refusal. But he cleared his throat and caught her attention once more.

"Morita, party of five. I think the lady wants her glass refilled. Drink's on me," he said, placing a glass of golden liquid on a tray and handing it towards her.

He directed her towards the table with a finger and watched as she marched over there with the tray. He snorted in amusement.

"Poor girl is about to faint," he noted to himself.

Morita's business colleagues stopped their abrupt laughing to take in the new waitress who had sidled up to their table. A few lecherous grins broke out as they took in the waitress' figure but Morita cleared his throat in some attempt to act like a gentleman which only caused a sneer to grow on Natsuki's face.

"Paradis on the rocks," she announced, trying to keep her voice steady.

Natsuki did not hand over the glass. Instead she took it and drank it all in one gulp. Immediately the flavor of liquid courage burned her throat and she coughed for a second. Cognac was supposed to be sweet, not on fire. Shizuru turned, her eyes growing wide at the familiar voice now wracked with coughs. Natsuki grabbed her wrist and dragged her from the table, causing a few shouts of surprise and annoyance from the party of now four.

"Wait—"

"What are you—"

"Shut the fuck up!" Natsuki warned in the most polite tone she could muster. "I'm trying to fix things up here, so don't ruin it!"

"Natsuki…?"

Natsuki stopped her tirade at the shocked patrons and she looked over at Shizuru who was now staring at her like she had lost her head. It wouldn't be too far from the truth. She lost her head one year and seven months ago. Now she had it back.

She smiled, then, and Shizuru's eyes widened even more when she was dragged outside. Thankfully Shizuru was wearing jeans tonight. Jeans and a nice top that wasn't too good with the cold. Natsuki considered briefly going back there but she figured she had made enough of a scene and instead took off her leather jacket and held it out. Shizuru numbly complied and fitted her arms through before Natsuki patted the jacket onto her shoulders. The younger girl ran over to her bike and shuffled around the compartment before bringing out a second helmet. She held it out for Shizuru.

"Let's get the hell out of here."

Shizuru stared at the helmet before her hands grasped on.

The Ducati roared down the highway at an incredible speed that made Shizuru wrap her arms around Natsuki's middle. The arms around her made her want to speed up even more but she controlled herself. The giddy rush could have lead to something a little less giddy so she kept herself relatively calm. They went up to the mountains, up winding roads that accommodated traffic going in one way despite the roads being marked off for two directions. The Ducati worked its way up and down several divots before finally settling on a decent climb up to the higher parts of Fuuka. The familiar cliff side was coming to view and the arms around her tightened seemingly in response to seeing it. Natsuki eased the bike over to the railing and nimbly hopped off before extending her hand out to Shizuru to help her off.

Their hands were shaking as they latched on and failed to let go. Something strange sounded off beside her but Natsuki paid it no heed—she felt like crying again too but didn't want to see the added incentive of the most beautiful girl in her life shedding tears. Then nothing would be said and they would return back to that damned Impasse. Instead she took in a deep breath and finally faced her, all her demons and angels wrapped up together in breathtaking crimson eyes and waves of honeyed hair. Natsuki stared at her… and smiled sheepishly.

"I was afraid," she began. Her breath came out in a white cloud of steam that soon disappeared. "I was afraid that if we were together, it would've just been because of the Carnival, because of how it ended for us. I was afraid there would have been no other reason we would have stayed together."

She tightened her grip around those hands.

"But that's not true. I love you, Shizuru. Not Kaichou, not Kiyohime's handler, not even the Fujino heiress. Just you. I'm tired of sticking around in the back and letting our lives run out in front of us."

She turned and faced Fuuka city.

"See her?!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. She heaved in a deep breath. "SHE'S THE GIRL I LOVE! SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL EVER AND SHE'S MINE!"

That must have been some strong liquor. The mountains echoed her words all around them. Her grip loosened for a second and for the first time since she ran out of Mai's door, she felt afraid. Of course, shouting her affections out at the top of her lungs on top of a cliff was not exactly a cakewalk, but her legs were still shaking and she felt like she could just throw up right then and there.

"Well… that's it. This is me, and I love you." Natsuki let out a shaky sigh. "I'm sorry I made you wait so long, Shizuru."

That watery smile with those tears running down her face was the most wonderful thing Natsuki saw even when her emotions were conflicted when she saw it. She wanted to punch whoever made her Shizuru cry, but that would mean ramming her fist into her own mouth. Just as she puzzled through that illogical sequence of events, she felt Shizuru's hands snake out of their little handhold. For a moment she felt something weird in her cry out for the lack of contact, but it blew up and rejoiced when Shizuru leaned forward. They were already standing very close to one another, close enough to share each other's breaths, but Natsuki felt none of the gibbering, flustering embarrassment she almost expected to feel. When their lips touched, Natsuki simply grabbed onto Shizuru's hands once more and dove in.

They released each other after a good minute before touching foreheads and smiling to one another. Their first kiss after the Carnival tasted like 500 dollar-a-bottle cognac and the strange mint from a nicotine chewing gum tab that Natsuki had chewed an hour ago. It was rich and filled with conflicting messages but they didn't care as they leaned in for another kiss, then another. Soon the kisses failed to taste like expensive cognac and nicotine gum and started to taste simply like Shizuru and Natsuki. Now their hands separated again but this time Natsuki wrapped her arms around her love and pulled her in closer, impossibly closer, as Shizuru raked her hand through those long strands of dark hair that really did feel better than silk in her most humble opinion. It would have lasted forever, but the night was cold and kisses could only do so much. They seemed to get the same idea at the same time and they grinned at each other like two kids about to do something particularly naughty. The Ducati was started up with an even louder roar than last time and the couple sped off.

Maybe this was what love was. Two souls sharing one breath.

_I wanna always feel like part of this_

_Was_

_Mine._

_I wanna fall in love tonight._

* * *

AN: Haha... Goodness. I didn't know I could sit down and write that out.

I hope you enjoyed it :)


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